I need to blog again.
So many confusing thoughts in my head. Writing down my thoughts has always been so therapeutic for me in the past. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped; just that I did. Now it's time to start up again.
I don't know where to start. At this point, I'm sure everyone knows my story.
I'm doing ok.
Ok. That's a lie. My life is a train wreck. I wouldn't have imagined this life for me, ever. Not in a million years. All I've ever wished for in life was health, happiness, and in two years, I've been robbed of both. My coping skills sort of suck now. My anxiety is sky high the majority of the time.. every little twinge in my neck, and I think to myself..."it's back.".
I'm not really living so much as going through the motions. My life completely fell apart last February, when I unexpectedly lost my husband, Larry. I've been stuck on pause since that night. Except for the fact that two weeks later, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with our fifth child. This year has been a whirlwind of emotions, heartache and downright denial. I still cannot comprehend...that he's gone, really. And then I look into the dark brown eyes of our newest little girl, and there he is. It's so bittersweet, really. I see so much of him in her, and then my heart just breaks a little bit more thinking about what my kids have missed out on... what they've lost. I'm an adult, and I'm coping terribly. I cannot fathom what goes through their heads that they are afraid to discuss with me.
Life sucks. It's impossible to ever get comfortable, because every time I do, shit falls apart. First cancer, then losing him. I'm afraid to find out what's next.
My neck has been achy. I think I feel enlarged lymph nodes near my incision. That's irrational, most likely, as my blood work in November was clean. What if, what if, what if?
All over the map tonight. This is why I can't sleep. My brain never stops... and once it finally does, either a 6 month old wakes to nurse, or a 3 year old wakes screaming. It never ends.
I try so hard to focus on the positives, and always get stuck in the gloom and doom. I need to find away to be ALIVE again. Not just letting life slip by.
~Stephanie
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
YOU'RE FIRED!
Today I made the 360 mile round trip drive for my one month follow up post TT with the endocrinologist.
Immediately he was aggravated by the fact that my infant son came with me to the appointment. I have no one to watch him during the day, and on a long drive such as that, I wanted my husband along for moral support. So the appointment in general started off on the wrong foot.
He mentioned my calcium levels were low, but didn't discuss details, just jumped right into the RAI discussion.
This may sound silly to some, but I cannot swallow large pills. I have NEVER been able to. I don't know why, I just can't. So for me, it was important to know the size of the RAI capsule. To him, this was an irrelevant question. I tried to explain to him that I cannot even swallow a Tylenol without breaking it in half and that I didn't think I would be able to swallow the I131 capsule and instead would like the liquid form. I also attempted to mention that I had not fully weaned my son yet, and was completely brushed off.
He has already refused to refill my synthroid as he wants me to have RAI in 4-6 weeks at the most, as soon as I become hypo and do two weeks on LID. I know from my research, I need to be completely done breastfeeding for 6-8 weeks prior to RAI, but he ignored me.
When I re-iterated the fact that I can't swallow pills he acted fed up and told me he didn't know what he could do for me then, and that I needed to seek treatment elsewhere. He then said "you didn't have to drive all this way for this appointment, you could have just done a teleconference". That was just the icing on the cake, considering this was my 6th trip to Marquette in two months, they knew exactly how far I was driving and this has never been mentioned prior to now.
SO yes. I'm firing my endocrinologist.
I used to live near a large hospital that is world renowned for their cancer care. 8 months ago, I moved 350 miles away to a tiny island in Michigan's upper peninsula. The care up here..is lacking, to say the least. Honestly? I should have done more research, but my care options were pretty limited because I had a medicaid HMO. So rather than try to fight the insurance company, I saw the only ENT and Endocrinologist on the plan and had my thyroid removed immediately.
I feel a lot of distrust towards the world renowned hospital downstate, as they have monitored my thyroid nodules for 3 years, told me I was fine, even as recent as October of 2010. If I hadn't moved up here and if my new family pcp didn't want to take a closer look herself, I'd be none the wiser while the cancer continued to spread...
So although I distrust the particular clinic I was dealing with.. I've put in a request for a consultation with the cancer center.. because I'm hoping that I will receive better care there than what I am currently receiving.
I'm not sure how I'm going to swing the transportation costs, as the trip will double in length..but what can you do?...
Nothing can ever be simple..
Anyone have some synthroid I can borrow?
Immediately he was aggravated by the fact that my infant son came with me to the appointment. I have no one to watch him during the day, and on a long drive such as that, I wanted my husband along for moral support. So the appointment in general started off on the wrong foot.
He mentioned my calcium levels were low, but didn't discuss details, just jumped right into the RAI discussion.
This may sound silly to some, but I cannot swallow large pills. I have NEVER been able to. I don't know why, I just can't. So for me, it was important to know the size of the RAI capsule. To him, this was an irrelevant question. I tried to explain to him that I cannot even swallow a Tylenol without breaking it in half and that I didn't think I would be able to swallow the I131 capsule and instead would like the liquid form. I also attempted to mention that I had not fully weaned my son yet, and was completely brushed off.
He has already refused to refill my synthroid as he wants me to have RAI in 4-6 weeks at the most, as soon as I become hypo and do two weeks on LID. I know from my research, I need to be completely done breastfeeding for 6-8 weeks prior to RAI, but he ignored me.
When I re-iterated the fact that I can't swallow pills he acted fed up and told me he didn't know what he could do for me then, and that I needed to seek treatment elsewhere. He then said "you didn't have to drive all this way for this appointment, you could have just done a teleconference". That was just the icing on the cake, considering this was my 6th trip to Marquette in two months, they knew exactly how far I was driving and this has never been mentioned prior to now.
SO yes. I'm firing my endocrinologist.
I used to live near a large hospital that is world renowned for their cancer care. 8 months ago, I moved 350 miles away to a tiny island in Michigan's upper peninsula. The care up here..is lacking, to say the least. Honestly? I should have done more research, but my care options were pretty limited because I had a medicaid HMO. So rather than try to fight the insurance company, I saw the only ENT and Endocrinologist on the plan and had my thyroid removed immediately.
I feel a lot of distrust towards the world renowned hospital downstate, as they have monitored my thyroid nodules for 3 years, told me I was fine, even as recent as October of 2010. If I hadn't moved up here and if my new family pcp didn't want to take a closer look herself, I'd be none the wiser while the cancer continued to spread...
So although I distrust the particular clinic I was dealing with.. I've put in a request for a consultation with the cancer center.. because I'm hoping that I will receive better care there than what I am currently receiving.
I'm not sure how I'm going to swing the transportation costs, as the trip will double in length..but what can you do?...
Nothing can ever be simple..
Anyone have some synthroid I can borrow?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
So I have cancer.
Yesterday's appointment was more a formality than anything else. I anticipated the pathology report would just come back a confirmation. Have I mentioned I'm not an optimistic person in the least?
What threw me a bit, however, is that the cancer has metastisized into my lymph nodes. I was not prepared to hear that. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would be a possibility for ME, if that makes any sense? Not that I find myself better or less deserving than anyone else, I just figured if the nodule didn't appear cancerous on the ultrasound, and if the biopsy only found a few cells than maybe I'd get off scott free with just a total thyroidectomy and be done.
No such luck.
My surgeon removed 10 lymph nodes, and one of the ten was positive for papillary thyroid cancer. Unfortunately only the PA was available during yesterday's appointment so I am waiting some clarification from my surgeon as to what all exactly this report means. I understand the jest of it, but there are a few parts I have questions on. He is in surgery again today, so hopefully I'll hear from him later or tomorrow.
The PA said because the cancer has spread, I do have to have the RAI ablation. Which means, I need to wean Jayden pretty much immediately. I'm disappointed, and sad for my son, as well as myself, that our nursing time is going to be cut short. I've decided to let him continue to nurse as regular for the next week, most likely until I return to work, and then start weaning him. I have no real game plan in mind.. it's going to be hard and there will be a lot of tears and hurt feelings and confusion involved. I'm not looking forward to and am trying to cherish the little time we have left.
Admittedly, even though I was expecting to hear I had cancer, I am a bit overwhelmed and full of anxiety at the moment. I know it could be so much worse but right now, honestly? I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I have to go back to Marquette April 15th to meet with the endocrinologist and figure out the full treatment plan I suppose. The PA also mentioned an oncologist but I guess I'll find out more on whether or not that is necessary whenever I can discuss the pathology report with my surgeon.
It's a lot to take in. Just trying to breath and not freak out.
On the positive end of things, I got the lab results back from my calcium levels yesterday, and while they are low, they are on the low end of NORMAL range. So hopefully this means my parathyroid glands are coming out of their surgical comas and starting to function again. I'm so over TUMS already.
What threw me a bit, however, is that the cancer has metastisized into my lymph nodes. I was not prepared to hear that. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would be a possibility for ME, if that makes any sense? Not that I find myself better or less deserving than anyone else, I just figured if the nodule didn't appear cancerous on the ultrasound, and if the biopsy only found a few cells than maybe I'd get off scott free with just a total thyroidectomy and be done.
No such luck.
My surgeon removed 10 lymph nodes, and one of the ten was positive for papillary thyroid cancer. Unfortunately only the PA was available during yesterday's appointment so I am waiting some clarification from my surgeon as to what all exactly this report means. I understand the jest of it, but there are a few parts I have questions on. He is in surgery again today, so hopefully I'll hear from him later or tomorrow.
The PA said because the cancer has spread, I do have to have the RAI ablation. Which means, I need to wean Jayden pretty much immediately. I'm disappointed, and sad for my son, as well as myself, that our nursing time is going to be cut short. I've decided to let him continue to nurse as regular for the next week, most likely until I return to work, and then start weaning him. I have no real game plan in mind.. it's going to be hard and there will be a lot of tears and hurt feelings and confusion involved. I'm not looking forward to and am trying to cherish the little time we have left.
Admittedly, even though I was expecting to hear I had cancer, I am a bit overwhelmed and full of anxiety at the moment. I know it could be so much worse but right now, honestly? I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I have to go back to Marquette April 15th to meet with the endocrinologist and figure out the full treatment plan I suppose. The PA also mentioned an oncologist but I guess I'll find out more on whether or not that is necessary whenever I can discuss the pathology report with my surgeon.
It's a lot to take in. Just trying to breath and not freak out.
On the positive end of things, I got the lab results back from my calcium levels yesterday, and while they are low, they are on the low end of NORMAL range. So hopefully this means my parathyroid glands are coming out of their surgical comas and starting to function again. I'm so over TUMS already.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I had a total thyroidectomy on 3/17/10.
The days that lead up to the procedure were stressful and full of panic for me. We took the kids on what was supposed to be a mini vacation to Wisconsin Dells, for a little R&R before everything got a bit chaotic. As far as I know (unless they have been eavesdropping), they don't really know the extent of what is going on. (Hell, I don't either at this point..). Anyhow, my stress, combined with a long drive, and their usual crabbiness amongst themselves made our fun trip not as fun as it should have been. Thats not to say that I didn't enjoy it, but it had the potential to be so much better. I was supposed to take a bunch of pictures and honestly, my mood was so blah.. the entire time. I didn't even go on a single water slide, just followed Jayden around to wherever he felt like exploring. And I love water slides, if that says anything.. we got a few shots, but hardly enough to account for a three day vacation.
The drive back to Michigan was long, especially through northern Wisconsin. We passed miles and miles of what appeared to be abandoned train cars. I meant to take down the name of the town so I could google it to see if there was any information- literally over 200 cars just sitting. I was sidetracked however. My mind was going in circles by that point.
We checked into our hotel and pretty much went straight to bed. I had to be to the hospital the following morning @ 11:30 am. I woke up early and I'm not going to lie, I was downright bitchy. I was so afraid, of so many things. Mainly, my biggest fear of general anesthesia is not waking up. I just had this impending feeling of doom, like this was going to be the last time I kissed my kids sort of feeling. I was choked up all morning and snappy at the same time. I bought a recordable book the day before, just in case my voice was altered or impaired during the surgery. I know I'm a pessimest, but I wanted my kids to have something, even if it sounds a bit silly. I also thought maybe it would help Jayden get through the first night we've ever been a part. I was so emotional when recording that book.. I had to kick everyone out of the hotel room because I couldn't stop crying. Everything changes once you have kids. They are my everything, and I breathe because of them, and I couldn't help but imagine their life without me in it, and it was sad and scary. I really need to work on being more optimistic.
The hospital was literally around the corner from our hotel. I told Larry it looked like a shopping mall when we pulled it. The lobby area was beautiful, rustic setting with a fireplace. I found the check in area, and while holding Jayden I told the lady at the desk I was checking in. I was a little taken aback when she looked at me and asked if I was in labor.
First and foremost, if a woman is in labor, she's usually beat you to the punch line on that one, and it's not a question that needs to be asked. At least in my case, whenever I was in labor, I was very loud and clear about what was currently going on. Secondly, who calmly holds thier one year old son and sits down at the desk in front of you, while digging through her purse for her medical cards and ID if she is in labor?!!? I mean yea I know I was stress eating for two weeks prior, but I don't think I put on enough weight to look pregnant for CRYING OUT LOUD.
Once she finally got her end of things straightened out, I had to go to the lab and then to pre-op. I was fortunate that they let my family hang out with me. By the time I had to put on my gown and such I was balling my eyes out. The kids and Larry hung out for a bit, and then when they started getting antsy, we took advantage of the free childcare program the hospital offered. It allowed him to be by my side without interruption and we were able to speak more freely to the nurses and anesthesiologist about health history and things that the kids didn't necessarily know about or need to know about. As usual, there were issues with getting an IV started on me (I have super tiny veins) and the anesthesiologist had to do it because she needed to use a smaller IV catheter. She was such a nice lady, and did her best at trying to keep me calm. Ultimately though my nerves got the best of me and I ended up getting sedated a bit before my procedure. I know Larry went and got the kids and I kissed them all and told them I loved them but he said I was zoning out well before they wheeled me off. All I remember after that is them pushing another full syringe of sedative into the IV and the oxygen mask, and then everything is sort of blurry from that point forward.
I remember hearing the anesthesiologist's voice in the recovery area asking how I felt and I remember saying I felt sick and her giving me Zofran. I vaguely remember my kids and Larry coming to see me in my room that night after the surgery (which lasted about 4 hours), and Ashia saying that I looked dead. I know I had my blood drawn a few times in between consciousness and around 11:30 that night I finally got out of bed to use the restroom and needed pain medication. I didn't really come to though, until 5 am the following morning, and then I was super nauseous, most likely the result of a lot of pain medication on an extremely empty stomach. Thankfully the nurses were able to give me Zofran which worked immediately.
At around 7:00 am my surgeon came in to check on me and removed the drain from my neck, which was probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever felt. He told me one side of my thyroid resembled a cluster of grapes and he needed to literally peel the parathyroid gland(s?) out of it, and the other had a nodule the size of a golf ball. He also told me that my calcium levels were dropping due to the shock of the surgery and we went over the medications I would be taking and my post operative discharge instructions.
I ordered a whole bunch of food for breakfast, even though my throat was extremely sore and it hurt to swallow, thinking that I would be able to get something down. As soon as it arrived, another wave of nausea hit and all that I was able to accomplish was two bites of a banana and a bite of muffin before just hanging my head to the side. Damn Lortab. I had to wait a little bit for my husband and kids to check out of the hotel room and I had the nurse check to see if I could get another dose of Zofran before I was actually discharged. Thankfully she was able to get it cleared, because we had a 3.5 hour drive ahead of us.
It felt like forever but I finally saw my husband and kids walking down the hall. I ended up having Larry send the kids back to the childcare while we got all of our paperwork in order and worked on getting my prescriptions filled. That place was an absolute godsend because it kept them occupied while we needed to take care of important matters...
The drive home was uneventful and long. I slept pretty much the rest of Friday once we got home and almost all of Saturday. Saturday the low calcium levels really started to affect me. My lips went numb many times, I had tingles in my arms and legs and my jaw would lock up if I tried to chew. It was excruciating when that happened and I could feel the muscle spasms all the way in my ear drums. I'm pretty sure I took the maximum recommended dosage for Tums that day, but it was all I could do to keep comfortable. My whole body felt like it was buzzing, but not in a good way. I just felt..weird.
Each day of my recovery, I've gotten progressively better. I haven't taken any narcotics for pain since Friday afternoon on our drive home. I've just been taken extra strength tylenol, about once every 12 hours. The pain isn't bad, more annoying than anything. I've not really kept track at how much calcium I've had to take the past few days, but I know that each day it seems to be less and less and I'm not nearly as symptomatic as I was the first two days. I'm hoping this means my parathyroid glands are starting to function normally on their own. Overall, i feel as 'ok' as I can, I suppose. I still have the steritape over the incision, but I can tell my neck is bruised underneath. The incision itself is about 4" long right at the base of my neck. I'm pretty freaked out to see what it looks like without the tape covering it, honestly...
Tomorrow is the moment of truth. We have to go back to the ENT office for my post operative appointment to have the steritape removed and to go over the pathology report. I'm nervous. I kept telling myself all week that I was prepared for this, we already have an idea of how this is going to go, but frankly I'm not.
I'm scared.
I expect it to be cancer. Tomorrow is just a formality, a confirmation of what we already know, if you will. I'm hoping that I'm wrong, but realistically? The biopsy results were as clear as they could be without the thyroid sitting directly under the pathologist's microscope. I'm hoping that although it is the "big c", that we receive some positive news, like it hasn't spread to my lymph nodes, and that their initial diagnosis of papillary thyroid cancer is correct, because honestly, it's the best case scenario.
I've armed myself with information, so I kind of know what to expect tomorrow. I feel that knowledge is power. Some people have told me not to look into all of this stuff, just listen to the doctors, but I can't. I have to know, so I can prepare myself. I don't like being blindsided. I am as prepared as I can possibly be for my appointment tomorrow, and I just want to get it over with. I need to know where I stand.
But honestly? I still haven't caught my breath yet, since the wind was knocked out of me a few weeks back. I'm a little tired of hearing that this is "the best kind of cancer" to have. It's still cancer. Cancer may be a word, not necessarily a sentence, but it is still a very scary word to deal with, especially when you have four kids at home who rely on their mom to be well enough to take care of them.
I'm scared, and I can't sleep because I have too much on my mind. I've found some great resources on the web and I just want to keep reading and reading and part of me thinks that maybe by doing so, it will lessen the blow of the news, or maybe I can displace myself, just for a little while, and pretend this is happening to someone else, and not me.
The days that lead up to the procedure were stressful and full of panic for me. We took the kids on what was supposed to be a mini vacation to Wisconsin Dells, for a little R&R before everything got a bit chaotic. As far as I know (unless they have been eavesdropping), they don't really know the extent of what is going on. (Hell, I don't either at this point..). Anyhow, my stress, combined with a long drive, and their usual crabbiness amongst themselves made our fun trip not as fun as it should have been. Thats not to say that I didn't enjoy it, but it had the potential to be so much better. I was supposed to take a bunch of pictures and honestly, my mood was so blah.. the entire time. I didn't even go on a single water slide, just followed Jayden around to wherever he felt like exploring. And I love water slides, if that says anything.. we got a few shots, but hardly enough to account for a three day vacation.
The drive back to Michigan was long, especially through northern Wisconsin. We passed miles and miles of what appeared to be abandoned train cars. I meant to take down the name of the town so I could google it to see if there was any information- literally over 200 cars just sitting. I was sidetracked however. My mind was going in circles by that point.
We checked into our hotel and pretty much went straight to bed. I had to be to the hospital the following morning @ 11:30 am. I woke up early and I'm not going to lie, I was downright bitchy. I was so afraid, of so many things. Mainly, my biggest fear of general anesthesia is not waking up. I just had this impending feeling of doom, like this was going to be the last time I kissed my kids sort of feeling. I was choked up all morning and snappy at the same time. I bought a recordable book the day before, just in case my voice was altered or impaired during the surgery. I know I'm a pessimest, but I wanted my kids to have something, even if it sounds a bit silly. I also thought maybe it would help Jayden get through the first night we've ever been a part. I was so emotional when recording that book.. I had to kick everyone out of the hotel room because I couldn't stop crying. Everything changes once you have kids. They are my everything, and I breathe because of them, and I couldn't help but imagine their life without me in it, and it was sad and scary. I really need to work on being more optimistic.
The hospital was literally around the corner from our hotel. I told Larry it looked like a shopping mall when we pulled it. The lobby area was beautiful, rustic setting with a fireplace. I found the check in area, and while holding Jayden I told the lady at the desk I was checking in. I was a little taken aback when she looked at me and asked if I was in labor.
First and foremost, if a woman is in labor, she's usually beat you to the punch line on that one, and it's not a question that needs to be asked. At least in my case, whenever I was in labor, I was very loud and clear about what was currently going on. Secondly, who calmly holds thier one year old son and sits down at the desk in front of you, while digging through her purse for her medical cards and ID if she is in labor?!!? I mean yea I know I was stress eating for two weeks prior, but I don't think I put on enough weight to look pregnant for CRYING OUT LOUD.
Once she finally got her end of things straightened out, I had to go to the lab and then to pre-op. I was fortunate that they let my family hang out with me. By the time I had to put on my gown and such I was balling my eyes out. The kids and Larry hung out for a bit, and then when they started getting antsy, we took advantage of the free childcare program the hospital offered. It allowed him to be by my side without interruption and we were able to speak more freely to the nurses and anesthesiologist about health history and things that the kids didn't necessarily know about or need to know about. As usual, there were issues with getting an IV started on me (I have super tiny veins) and the anesthesiologist had to do it because she needed to use a smaller IV catheter. She was such a nice lady, and did her best at trying to keep me calm. Ultimately though my nerves got the best of me and I ended up getting sedated a bit before my procedure. I know Larry went and got the kids and I kissed them all and told them I loved them but he said I was zoning out well before they wheeled me off. All I remember after that is them pushing another full syringe of sedative into the IV and the oxygen mask, and then everything is sort of blurry from that point forward.
I remember hearing the anesthesiologist's voice in the recovery area asking how I felt and I remember saying I felt sick and her giving me Zofran. I vaguely remember my kids and Larry coming to see me in my room that night after the surgery (which lasted about 4 hours), and Ashia saying that I looked dead. I know I had my blood drawn a few times in between consciousness and around 11:30 that night I finally got out of bed to use the restroom and needed pain medication. I didn't really come to though, until 5 am the following morning, and then I was super nauseous, most likely the result of a lot of pain medication on an extremely empty stomach. Thankfully the nurses were able to give me Zofran which worked immediately.
At around 7:00 am my surgeon came in to check on me and removed the drain from my neck, which was probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever felt. He told me one side of my thyroid resembled a cluster of grapes and he needed to literally peel the parathyroid gland(s?) out of it, and the other had a nodule the size of a golf ball. He also told me that my calcium levels were dropping due to the shock of the surgery and we went over the medications I would be taking and my post operative discharge instructions.
I ordered a whole bunch of food for breakfast, even though my throat was extremely sore and it hurt to swallow, thinking that I would be able to get something down. As soon as it arrived, another wave of nausea hit and all that I was able to accomplish was two bites of a banana and a bite of muffin before just hanging my head to the side. Damn Lortab. I had to wait a little bit for my husband and kids to check out of the hotel room and I had the nurse check to see if I could get another dose of Zofran before I was actually discharged. Thankfully she was able to get it cleared, because we had a 3.5 hour drive ahead of us.
It felt like forever but I finally saw my husband and kids walking down the hall. I ended up having Larry send the kids back to the childcare while we got all of our paperwork in order and worked on getting my prescriptions filled. That place was an absolute godsend because it kept them occupied while we needed to take care of important matters...
The drive home was uneventful and long. I slept pretty much the rest of Friday once we got home and almost all of Saturday. Saturday the low calcium levels really started to affect me. My lips went numb many times, I had tingles in my arms and legs and my jaw would lock up if I tried to chew. It was excruciating when that happened and I could feel the muscle spasms all the way in my ear drums. I'm pretty sure I took the maximum recommended dosage for Tums that day, but it was all I could do to keep comfortable. My whole body felt like it was buzzing, but not in a good way. I just felt..weird.
Each day of my recovery, I've gotten progressively better. I haven't taken any narcotics for pain since Friday afternoon on our drive home. I've just been taken extra strength tylenol, about once every 12 hours. The pain isn't bad, more annoying than anything. I've not really kept track at how much calcium I've had to take the past few days, but I know that each day it seems to be less and less and I'm not nearly as symptomatic as I was the first two days. I'm hoping this means my parathyroid glands are starting to function normally on their own. Overall, i feel as 'ok' as I can, I suppose. I still have the steritape over the incision, but I can tell my neck is bruised underneath. The incision itself is about 4" long right at the base of my neck. I'm pretty freaked out to see what it looks like without the tape covering it, honestly...
Tomorrow is the moment of truth. We have to go back to the ENT office for my post operative appointment to have the steritape removed and to go over the pathology report. I'm nervous. I kept telling myself all week that I was prepared for this, we already have an idea of how this is going to go, but frankly I'm not.
I'm scared.
I expect it to be cancer. Tomorrow is just a formality, a confirmation of what we already know, if you will. I'm hoping that I'm wrong, but realistically? The biopsy results were as clear as they could be without the thyroid sitting directly under the pathologist's microscope. I'm hoping that although it is the "big c", that we receive some positive news, like it hasn't spread to my lymph nodes, and that their initial diagnosis of papillary thyroid cancer is correct, because honestly, it's the best case scenario.
I've armed myself with information, so I kind of know what to expect tomorrow. I feel that knowledge is power. Some people have told me not to look into all of this stuff, just listen to the doctors, but I can't. I have to know, so I can prepare myself. I don't like being blindsided. I am as prepared as I can possibly be for my appointment tomorrow, and I just want to get it over with. I need to know where I stand.
But honestly? I still haven't caught my breath yet, since the wind was knocked out of me a few weeks back. I'm a little tired of hearing that this is "the best kind of cancer" to have. It's still cancer. Cancer may be a word, not necessarily a sentence, but it is still a very scary word to deal with, especially when you have four kids at home who rely on their mom to be well enough to take care of them.
I'm scared, and I can't sleep because I have too much on my mind. I've found some great resources on the web and I just want to keep reading and reading and part of me thinks that maybe by doing so, it will lessen the blow of the news, or maybe I can displace myself, just for a little while, and pretend this is happening to someone else, and not me.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
So it's been a few days. I've been trying to process all of this and in a very short amount of time.
I went to see my regular PCP on Thursday and we discussed a little more in depth my probable treatment. My medical chart now officially says I have thyroid cancer, although it won't be formally diagnosed until after the pathologist has a chunk of my thyroid in front of him or her under the microscope. It's a lot to take in and I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check but so far, I'm failing pretty miserably.
I found out from my doctor that RAI treatment is pretty much standard after a thyroid cancer diagnosis. This was something I hadn't really looked into before, and only briefly discussed with my endocrinologist after the biopsy was performed and he was urging me to just have my thyroid removed regardless of the results. I didn't ask enough questions (because at the time, I wasn't concerned at all that this could have turned cancerous, as I had a benign biopsy three years ago...), and I greatly misunderstood what this meant for my nursing relationship with my son.
If I have to have the RAI treatment, I need to stop nursing immediately. I thought I could simply take a break, pump and dump and continue on. Unfortunately, this is not the case. From what I have read, you need to discontinue nursing 6-8 weeks prior to the treatment, and because you are pretty much a glow stick for awhile, you cannot continue to nurse as the radioactive iodine remains in your system for several months.
It may sound silly, considering everything else, that I am devastated by this. I spent all of Thursday night crying over this. I am just so sad, for my son, for myself, that there is this strong possibility that we will be weaning suddenly in the next week or so. My heart just aches, because I'm not prepared mentally or emotionally to give this up, and Jayden is very much a comfort nurser and in no way is he ready to wean. I never knew I would feel this strongly about breastfeeding, to be completely honest. I am trying to cherish each nursing session we have now, because I know in my gut that it's most likely coming to an end sooner than I had anticipated.
I have a lot to do today. I'm off work now, and tomorrow we leave for Wisconsin for 3 nights, before heading to Ishpeming, where my surgery is taking place. I'm caught in between wanting to hurry up and get this all over and done with, to wishing time would just stand still so things can remain as they are for awhile longer.
I'm still holding out hope that maybe the pathology report from the biopsy was wrong, but if I listen to my gut, I'm pretty sure the next pathology report will be a confirmation.
I went to see my regular PCP on Thursday and we discussed a little more in depth my probable treatment. My medical chart now officially says I have thyroid cancer, although it won't be formally diagnosed until after the pathologist has a chunk of my thyroid in front of him or her under the microscope. It's a lot to take in and I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check but so far, I'm failing pretty miserably.
I found out from my doctor that RAI treatment is pretty much standard after a thyroid cancer diagnosis. This was something I hadn't really looked into before, and only briefly discussed with my endocrinologist after the biopsy was performed and he was urging me to just have my thyroid removed regardless of the results. I didn't ask enough questions (because at the time, I wasn't concerned at all that this could have turned cancerous, as I had a benign biopsy three years ago...), and I greatly misunderstood what this meant for my nursing relationship with my son.
If I have to have the RAI treatment, I need to stop nursing immediately. I thought I could simply take a break, pump and dump and continue on. Unfortunately, this is not the case. From what I have read, you need to discontinue nursing 6-8 weeks prior to the treatment, and because you are pretty much a glow stick for awhile, you cannot continue to nurse as the radioactive iodine remains in your system for several months.
It may sound silly, considering everything else, that I am devastated by this. I spent all of Thursday night crying over this. I am just so sad, for my son, for myself, that there is this strong possibility that we will be weaning suddenly in the next week or so. My heart just aches, because I'm not prepared mentally or emotionally to give this up, and Jayden is very much a comfort nurser and in no way is he ready to wean. I never knew I would feel this strongly about breastfeeding, to be completely honest. I am trying to cherish each nursing session we have now, because I know in my gut that it's most likely coming to an end sooner than I had anticipated.
I have a lot to do today. I'm off work now, and tomorrow we leave for Wisconsin for 3 nights, before heading to Ishpeming, where my surgery is taking place. I'm caught in between wanting to hurry up and get this all over and done with, to wishing time would just stand still so things can remain as they are for awhile longer.
I'm still holding out hope that maybe the pathology report from the biopsy was wrong, but if I listen to my gut, I'm pretty sure the next pathology report will be a confirmation.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I'm hoping I can actually sleep tonight. Last night my mind was going in circles. I'd fall asleep and then wake up and my brain just wouldn't shut off. On top of that, I have a one year old who still nurses multiple times during the night. I know he can feel my stress. I think he can sense something is wrong, and I know I haven't been my usual self.
I kind of just want to crawl under the blankets and stay there. I'm caught between wanting this surgery day to be here and over with, and not wanting it to come period. I'm scared to death of having surgery. I'm afraid I won't wake up. I know, generally speaking, that this type of surgery is relatively safe. But I can't shake this feeling. I've had surgery twice in my life, and both times before I was put under, I had a huge panic attack. I was terrified. This was when I was 14/15 years old. I didn't have kids then and I was still so freaked out about it and thought I was going to die.
When you have kids, it's a whole different ball game. I've caught myself thinking what their lives would be like without me. It's not that I think I'm this awesome person that they couldn't live without.. it's that I don't want them to live without me... I can't explain it really. But the fact of the matter is, I'm scared to death of being put under. I know I have to do this, somehow I have to find the strength to get through it and hope to hell everything is ok afterwards.
The ENT guy all but confirmed the biopsy as cancer. He can't officially make the diagnosis of Papillary Thyroid Cancer until he looks at the nodules under the microscope, but the way he put it was that the pathologist wouldn't be so specific if he was unsure. He wouldn't have specified cells as being suspicious for papillary carcinoma if that wasn't what he saw.
It's a lot to swallow. I've felt like the wind was knocked out of me a week ago. And then I catch myself trying to downplay it- you know, like the first endocrinologist did? Oh it's just thyroid cancer, no biggie! Get your thyroid out and you're probably done with it. The key word is probably. I can't shake this feeling that the large hospital downstate may have missed this, and this may have been brewing for a long time. And while I'm hoping with every ounce in me that the biopsy was wrong, my gut tells me that it was right. I'm just hoping that it hasn't spread.
For years, I've felt that something was wrong. Only I couldn't get a doctor to find anything. They all thought I was just one panic attack away from a nervous breakdown and being committed. I really hope my gut is wrong, for once.
I'm really scared. I haven't told my daughters. I don't even know what my husband is thinking..and I'm caught with this feeling that is somewhere in between panic and like maybe I'm over reacting. It's hard to explain. I'm finding that I want to just stay home. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to be with my family. I find it terribly amusing that now that I'm finally content and happy with my life, this has to happen.
I kind of just want to crawl under the blankets and stay there. I'm caught between wanting this surgery day to be here and over with, and not wanting it to come period. I'm scared to death of having surgery. I'm afraid I won't wake up. I know, generally speaking, that this type of surgery is relatively safe. But I can't shake this feeling. I've had surgery twice in my life, and both times before I was put under, I had a huge panic attack. I was terrified. This was when I was 14/15 years old. I didn't have kids then and I was still so freaked out about it and thought I was going to die.
When you have kids, it's a whole different ball game. I've caught myself thinking what their lives would be like without me. It's not that I think I'm this awesome person that they couldn't live without.. it's that I don't want them to live without me... I can't explain it really. But the fact of the matter is, I'm scared to death of being put under. I know I have to do this, somehow I have to find the strength to get through it and hope to hell everything is ok afterwards.
The ENT guy all but confirmed the biopsy as cancer. He can't officially make the diagnosis of Papillary Thyroid Cancer until he looks at the nodules under the microscope, but the way he put it was that the pathologist wouldn't be so specific if he was unsure. He wouldn't have specified cells as being suspicious for papillary carcinoma if that wasn't what he saw.
It's a lot to swallow. I've felt like the wind was knocked out of me a week ago. And then I catch myself trying to downplay it- you know, like the first endocrinologist did? Oh it's just thyroid cancer, no biggie! Get your thyroid out and you're probably done with it. The key word is probably. I can't shake this feeling that the large hospital downstate may have missed this, and this may have been brewing for a long time. And while I'm hoping with every ounce in me that the biopsy was wrong, my gut tells me that it was right. I'm just hoping that it hasn't spread.
For years, I've felt that something was wrong. Only I couldn't get a doctor to find anything. They all thought I was just one panic attack away from a nervous breakdown and being committed. I really hope my gut is wrong, for once.
I'm really scared. I haven't told my daughters. I don't even know what my husband is thinking..and I'm caught with this feeling that is somewhere in between panic and like maybe I'm over reacting. It's hard to explain. I'm finding that I want to just stay home. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to be with my family. I find it terribly amusing that now that I'm finally content and happy with my life, this has to happen.
10 days and counting...
One thing that really sucks about moving 350 miles away from your family, is that when you are facing surgery, at least in my case, you are facing it alone. By "alone" I mean just with my husband and children. It's stressful. I miss my friends. I miss my parents, though my mom and brother are now living in Florida. I wish that there was at least one more adult around to help out Larry during my recovery, but I think we are just going to have to wing it..
Continuing on..
It took a few days for the full magnitude of situation of Jayden's birth to hit me...but once it did, it hit me hard. I remember, being a few days postpartum and in the shower and I got to thinking about it, how easily he could have just died, and I cried, and cried. It set my panic wheels a spinning and once again, I started a battle within myself to not let the panic and fear get the best of me. I tried to ignore it the best I could, but there were days. On top of my anxiety, my husband was having major issues with work, with one person in particular who was trying to make his life a living hell. He stuck with it as long as he could, but being that his employer was also our landlord, we needed to make some changes, and make them fast.
I was laid off when I was 32 weeks pregnant, and never called back to work. I had issues with a girl that I worked with, and for once in my professional life, I stood up to her and corrected her in an area that she was most definitely wrong in. This girl then made it her personal mission to destroy my career as a Medical Assistant, and even had my former employer convinced that I was out to get her and to sink her business and livelihood. Powerful talker, that girl. Needless to say, we were having financial difficulties and everything just kept adding up bill wise. Combine financial issues, lack of employment, just generalized unhappiness, and new drama in our neighborhood and we decided once and for all to bail. We decided to fulfill a dream that we had been discussing for years- to move up north to the Upper Peninsula. Although the circumstances for our move were less than ideal, we were convinced that we could eventually provide a better life for ourselves and our children up here than we could where we were at. The bills downstate were eating us alive, and unemployment alone couldn't cover them. There were no jobs, and the cost of living was extremely high. So we jumped.
Initially we moved to a place I like to refer to as "Prison Central". I absolutely hated it there. We lived there for 4 months and never even met our neighbor. Many people referred to our neighborhood, which was an old air force base as the "indian ghetto". The kids in the neighborhood were just unruly, to say the least. Our house was located on the first block in from the main road, which was home to several state prisons. We had the joy of listening to sirens, prison PA systems, and artillery practice? on a regular basis. We couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough.
In October, I ventured back downstate to follow up with my endocrinologist at the large hospital and to follow up with my ob/gyn group for my annual stuff. I forgot to mention right after the ectopic pregnancy, I had an abnormal pap, which lead to a colposcopy and a cervical biopsy. More prodding and poking but luckily everything on that end turned out ok... Anyhow. The endocrinologist confirmed the masses had grown, but that we would just continue to monitor and perform another ultrasound and follow up appointment in a year. This part is important. Don't forget it, ok?...
Unfortunately I ran into a little issue with my unemployment, which caused one of our rent checks to slumlord to be late. We contacted them immediately to let them know what was going on and offered to take care of the matter within two weeks, as well as cover the following month's rent at that time. Supposedly it wasn't a problem, but 3 days after Christmas, we received a 7 day notice to vacate or pay, hand delivered by the local police. All this, for rent that wasn't even a month past due! It was aggravating to say the least, but we were already looking to move again and this proved to be our "out". We found a rental home within our price range on Sugar Island. So in one day, we packed everything in our house and on to a Uhaul, and the following day we unloaded it. The house we are in now, it's amazing. I would love to buy it if it were an option. It's river front, on a dead end road. I have lovely pines in my front yard, and I have an excellent view of the outskirts of Garden River, Ontario and Squirrel Island. We have eagles that circle in front on occasion, and lots of blue jays. This place, it's a dream. It's a home. I love being here, it's so peaceful and comfortable.
Moving right along though.
I finally found a doctor up here and went to my first visit in January. It took forever to get an appointment with her because she is one of the few Osteopaths in the area, and she selects her own patients. So when I finally got to see her, I had a few issues I wanted her to look into.
1.) My voice was beginning to crack
2.) Sinus pain (chronic)
3.) severe low back pain (chronic).
So she did a once over on me, checked my vitals, and palpated my thyroid. We got to discussing my thyroid history at this time, as she pointed out my thyroid was very enlarged. I explained to her that I was just downstate a few month previous and that they said all was kosher, but the voice cracking had occurred right before they did my last biopsy in 2008, and stopped afterwards, as they had drained a lot of fluid off one of the nodules.
She was still a bit concerned, and decided to refer me to an ENT as well as ordered another ultrasound for my thyroid. She gave me a lovely adjustment for my back pain and some antibiotics for my sinus pain and inflammation and worked on getting me into an ENT.
The beginning of February, I made the three and a half hour drive to the ENT office in Marquette. This is one of the issues with living in "gods country", specialists are not as readily available, especially if you have an HMO. I read the copy of the ultrasound report that my doctor had ordered, and it said something about concern for malignancy. I didn't think much of it, however, as I had been following my previous endocrinologist's orders all along and I thought perhaps the radiologist was being extra careful, being that he or she had not seen the results of my previous scans.
The ENT doctor had all sorts of fun with me during my initial visit. He stuck a video camera up my nose and down my throat to make sure my vocal cords weren't being compressed by my thyroid and also to check for polyps, which was a concern of my new PCP. All was clear there. He checked my thyroid and could feel the masses and pretty much said a.) we can take it out, and run pathology on it and make sure it's not cancerous, and then you are done dealing with it, b.) we can do another biopsy to make sure it's still not cancerous, and then remove it. If we do it this way, I'll know if I need to take lymph nodes out while I'm in there, or c.) we can keep monitoring it, but it's not going to go away, and due to the size of the masses, I don't know how long you want to keep continuing to monitor this...
I was a bit disappointed that it sounded like surgery was in my near future, but I agreed to a second biopsy just to make sure everything was still benign. I was scheduled with the endocrinologist two weeks later. My husband, Jayden and I made the 3 1/2 hour trip alone this time, and honestly, while I was nervous about the procedure itself, I wasn't nervous about the result. As the endocrinologist was scanning my thyroid to map out the nodules before doing the fine needle aspiration, he concurred with the ENT's findings that it simply just needs to come out. He performed the biopsy, said it would be a few days for the results to come back, but that the nodules appeared to be benign.
I had to work that Friday, and when we received that call from an "unavailable" that morning, I ignored it. I figured it was either someone trying to sell something to me or a bill collector, and I didn't have time to deal with either. I went to work and figured I'd call the endocrinologist office after my shift for results. I wasn't the last bit concerned. Unfortunately, by the time I got off of work, their office was closed for the weekend.
The weekend came and went. I don't recall what we did, but I'm pretty sure it involved a lot of kids and snowmobiles, as that tends to be how our weekends go over on the Island. We always have extra kids here, usually my nephews and niece, and sometimes other family members come over and stay for the night.
Monday morning, I called the endocrinologist's office first thing, right as I was getting ready to leave for work. The nurse told me that one mass came back benign, but the other, however, was atypical. She told me there was a suspicion of malignancy, and that I needed to be referred back to the ENT and scheduled for surgery. I thanked her for the information as I choked back tears. I sat in my bedroom with the phone in my hand, shaking, as the tears rolled down my face. My husband and son were in the other room and had no clue of the information I had just received. I immediately called my place of employment and in the middle of telling the manager why I wouldn't be coming in today, i just broke down. She had no clue as to what to say to me, and I blubbered through the conversation and told her I'd call back later. I immediately called the ENT office and asked for their first available appointment, which happened to be the following day.
We ended up having to take all of the kids to this appointment, which actually worked out well. Ashia was able to watch Jayden while Kayleigh and Savannah played Barbie in the waiting room. This allowed us to go in to meet with the surgeon alone. The medical assistant printed off a copy of my biopsy report, and I read it. And it was scary. "Atypical.. some cells suspicious of papillary carcinoma".
The ENT was a bit more somber than our first meeting, but reassuring. He said "this is something to be concerned about, but not hiding in the corner in fear." He explained the procedure to me and said I'd be in the hospital overnight. I was amazingly able to hold it together during the entire visit, but inside, I was cracking. Surgery. Hospital stays. Cancer?! I'm 30! I have a one year old son and three daughters...
We ate dinner and headed on the long drive home. I was grateful for the darkness, because much of the trip I had tears rolling down my face. So many what if's. I've never been a glass half full type of girl, it's always been half empty, and I tend to focus on the worst case scenario of every situation.
Continuing on..
It took a few days for the full magnitude of situation of Jayden's birth to hit me...but once it did, it hit me hard. I remember, being a few days postpartum and in the shower and I got to thinking about it, how easily he could have just died, and I cried, and cried. It set my panic wheels a spinning and once again, I started a battle within myself to not let the panic and fear get the best of me. I tried to ignore it the best I could, but there were days. On top of my anxiety, my husband was having major issues with work, with one person in particular who was trying to make his life a living hell. He stuck with it as long as he could, but being that his employer was also our landlord, we needed to make some changes, and make them fast.
I was laid off when I was 32 weeks pregnant, and never called back to work. I had issues with a girl that I worked with, and for once in my professional life, I stood up to her and corrected her in an area that she was most definitely wrong in. This girl then made it her personal mission to destroy my career as a Medical Assistant, and even had my former employer convinced that I was out to get her and to sink her business and livelihood. Powerful talker, that girl. Needless to say, we were having financial difficulties and everything just kept adding up bill wise. Combine financial issues, lack of employment, just generalized unhappiness, and new drama in our neighborhood and we decided once and for all to bail. We decided to fulfill a dream that we had been discussing for years- to move up north to the Upper Peninsula. Although the circumstances for our move were less than ideal, we were convinced that we could eventually provide a better life for ourselves and our children up here than we could where we were at. The bills downstate were eating us alive, and unemployment alone couldn't cover them. There were no jobs, and the cost of living was extremely high. So we jumped.
Initially we moved to a place I like to refer to as "Prison Central". I absolutely hated it there. We lived there for 4 months and never even met our neighbor. Many people referred to our neighborhood, which was an old air force base as the "indian ghetto". The kids in the neighborhood were just unruly, to say the least. Our house was located on the first block in from the main road, which was home to several state prisons. We had the joy of listening to sirens, prison PA systems, and artillery practice? on a regular basis. We couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough.
In October, I ventured back downstate to follow up with my endocrinologist at the large hospital and to follow up with my ob/gyn group for my annual stuff. I forgot to mention right after the ectopic pregnancy, I had an abnormal pap, which lead to a colposcopy and a cervical biopsy. More prodding and poking but luckily everything on that end turned out ok... Anyhow. The endocrinologist confirmed the masses had grown, but that we would just continue to monitor and perform another ultrasound and follow up appointment in a year. This part is important. Don't forget it, ok?...
Unfortunately I ran into a little issue with my unemployment, which caused one of our rent checks to slumlord to be late. We contacted them immediately to let them know what was going on and offered to take care of the matter within two weeks, as well as cover the following month's rent at that time. Supposedly it wasn't a problem, but 3 days after Christmas, we received a 7 day notice to vacate or pay, hand delivered by the local police. All this, for rent that wasn't even a month past due! It was aggravating to say the least, but we were already looking to move again and this proved to be our "out". We found a rental home within our price range on Sugar Island. So in one day, we packed everything in our house and on to a Uhaul, and the following day we unloaded it. The house we are in now, it's amazing. I would love to buy it if it were an option. It's river front, on a dead end road. I have lovely pines in my front yard, and I have an excellent view of the outskirts of Garden River, Ontario and Squirrel Island. We have eagles that circle in front on occasion, and lots of blue jays. This place, it's a dream. It's a home. I love being here, it's so peaceful and comfortable.
Moving right along though.
I finally found a doctor up here and went to my first visit in January. It took forever to get an appointment with her because she is one of the few Osteopaths in the area, and she selects her own patients. So when I finally got to see her, I had a few issues I wanted her to look into.
1.) My voice was beginning to crack
2.) Sinus pain (chronic)
3.) severe low back pain (chronic).
So she did a once over on me, checked my vitals, and palpated my thyroid. We got to discussing my thyroid history at this time, as she pointed out my thyroid was very enlarged. I explained to her that I was just downstate a few month previous and that they said all was kosher, but the voice cracking had occurred right before they did my last biopsy in 2008, and stopped afterwards, as they had drained a lot of fluid off one of the nodules.
She was still a bit concerned, and decided to refer me to an ENT as well as ordered another ultrasound for my thyroid. She gave me a lovely adjustment for my back pain and some antibiotics for my sinus pain and inflammation and worked on getting me into an ENT.
The beginning of February, I made the three and a half hour drive to the ENT office in Marquette. This is one of the issues with living in "gods country", specialists are not as readily available, especially if you have an HMO. I read the copy of the ultrasound report that my doctor had ordered, and it said something about concern for malignancy. I didn't think much of it, however, as I had been following my previous endocrinologist's orders all along and I thought perhaps the radiologist was being extra careful, being that he or she had not seen the results of my previous scans.
The ENT doctor had all sorts of fun with me during my initial visit. He stuck a video camera up my nose and down my throat to make sure my vocal cords weren't being compressed by my thyroid and also to check for polyps, which was a concern of my new PCP. All was clear there. He checked my thyroid and could feel the masses and pretty much said a.) we can take it out, and run pathology on it and make sure it's not cancerous, and then you are done dealing with it, b.) we can do another biopsy to make sure it's still not cancerous, and then remove it. If we do it this way, I'll know if I need to take lymph nodes out while I'm in there, or c.) we can keep monitoring it, but it's not going to go away, and due to the size of the masses, I don't know how long you want to keep continuing to monitor this...
I was a bit disappointed that it sounded like surgery was in my near future, but I agreed to a second biopsy just to make sure everything was still benign. I was scheduled with the endocrinologist two weeks later. My husband, Jayden and I made the 3 1/2 hour trip alone this time, and honestly, while I was nervous about the procedure itself, I wasn't nervous about the result. As the endocrinologist was scanning my thyroid to map out the nodules before doing the fine needle aspiration, he concurred with the ENT's findings that it simply just needs to come out. He performed the biopsy, said it would be a few days for the results to come back, but that the nodules appeared to be benign.
I had to work that Friday, and when we received that call from an "unavailable" that morning, I ignored it. I figured it was either someone trying to sell something to me or a bill collector, and I didn't have time to deal with either. I went to work and figured I'd call the endocrinologist office after my shift for results. I wasn't the last bit concerned. Unfortunately, by the time I got off of work, their office was closed for the weekend.
The weekend came and went. I don't recall what we did, but I'm pretty sure it involved a lot of kids and snowmobiles, as that tends to be how our weekends go over on the Island. We always have extra kids here, usually my nephews and niece, and sometimes other family members come over and stay for the night.
Monday morning, I called the endocrinologist's office first thing, right as I was getting ready to leave for work. The nurse told me that one mass came back benign, but the other, however, was atypical. She told me there was a suspicion of malignancy, and that I needed to be referred back to the ENT and scheduled for surgery. I thanked her for the information as I choked back tears. I sat in my bedroom with the phone in my hand, shaking, as the tears rolled down my face. My husband and son were in the other room and had no clue of the information I had just received. I immediately called my place of employment and in the middle of telling the manager why I wouldn't be coming in today, i just broke down. She had no clue as to what to say to me, and I blubbered through the conversation and told her I'd call back later. I immediately called the ENT office and asked for their first available appointment, which happened to be the following day.
We ended up having to take all of the kids to this appointment, which actually worked out well. Ashia was able to watch Jayden while Kayleigh and Savannah played Barbie in the waiting room. This allowed us to go in to meet with the surgeon alone. The medical assistant printed off a copy of my biopsy report, and I read it. And it was scary. "Atypical.. some cells suspicious of papillary carcinoma".
The ENT was a bit more somber than our first meeting, but reassuring. He said "this is something to be concerned about, but not hiding in the corner in fear." He explained the procedure to me and said I'd be in the hospital overnight. I was amazingly able to hold it together during the entire visit, but inside, I was cracking. Surgery. Hospital stays. Cancer?! I'm 30! I have a one year old son and three daughters...
We ate dinner and headed on the long drive home. I was grateful for the darkness, because much of the trip I had tears rolling down my face. So many what if's. I've never been a glass half full type of girl, it's always been half empty, and I tend to focus on the worst case scenario of every situation.
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