Completely neglected

 I need to blog again.

So many confusing thoughts in my head.  Writing down my thoughts has always been so therapeutic for me in the past. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped; just that I did. Now it's time to start up again.

I don't know where to start. At this point, I'm sure everyone knows my story.

I'm doing ok.

Ok. That's a lie.  My life is a train wreck.  I wouldn't have imagined this life for me, ever.  Not in a million years.  All I've ever wished for in life was health, happiness, and in two years, I've been robbed of both.  My coping skills sort of suck now.  My anxiety is sky high the majority of the time..  every little twinge in my neck, and I think to myself..."it's back.".

I'm not really living so much as going through the motions.  My life completely fell apart last February, when I unexpectedly lost my husband, Larry.  I've been stuck on pause since that night.  Except for the fact that two weeks later, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with our fifth child.  This year has been a whirlwind of emotions, heartache and downright denial.  I still cannot comprehend...that he's gone, really.  And then I look into the dark brown eyes of our newest little girl, and there he is.  It's so bittersweet, really.  I see so much of him in her, and then my heart just breaks a little bit more thinking about what my kids have missed out on... what they've lost.  I'm an adult, and I'm coping terribly.  I cannot fathom what goes through their heads that they are afraid to discuss with me.

Life sucks. It's impossible to ever get comfortable, because every time I do, shit falls apart.  First cancer, then losing him.  I'm afraid to find out what's next.

My neck has been achy. I think I feel enlarged lymph nodes near my incision.  That's irrational, most likely, as my blood work in November was clean.  What if, what if, what if?

All over the map tonight.  This is why I can't sleep. My brain never stops... and once it finally does, either a 6 month old wakes to nurse, or a 3 year old wakes screaming. It never ends.

I try so hard to focus on the positives, and always get stuck in the gloom and doom.  I need to find away to be ALIVE again. Not just letting life slip by.

~Stephanie