It's been so long since I've written a blog post, and I've come quite a ways in this journey of life since my last update. I'm not entirely sure where to begin, I just feel compelled to share my story.
I have so many thoughts in my head that need sorted, and perhaps if I get them out, I can start to acknowledge my feelings and move forward.
New beginnings. The reinvention of me.
Life has been cruelly unfair. It's been one thing after another for years now. Instead of bitching and ranting, however, it's time for me to figure out how to make some changes. I've been dealt a shit hand, but I have to make the best of it. I have to continue moving forward. It's time.
It's time to say goodbye to the life I once knew and welcome my new life with open arms. While I will never stop grieving the enormous loss of my husband and the father to my children, it's time for us to move forward.
Say something, I'm giving up on you...
I've carried so much guilt for three and a half years now. So many "what if scenarios", I've replayed that night over in my head a million times and I'll never understand why I did the things I did. Why I didn't go with my gut. Why I listened to him instead. I blamed myself for not being able to save his life. For not being able to bring my husband home safely to our children that night.
I'll be the one if you want me to...
The weight of this guilt and blame and self-hate has been eating me alive all this time. I feel as though the old me died that night, but the new me has not yet emerged. I've been stuck somewhere inbetween life and a nightmare for the past 40 months. Meanwhile, life around me has gone on. We've moved , twice. I've started a job as a pharmacy technician that I mostly love. Relationships with in-laws have forever changed. My children have grown up so much since that day. Somehow though in all of this, I've managed to completely lose myself. Depression, anxiety, and anger have taken over and truthfully I lost a huge part of my identity that night.
Anywhere I would have followed you....
I spent my entire adult life with my husband. And when I lost him unexpectedly when I was just 31, I wasn't sure how to exist without him. For so many years I was "Stephanie, Luk's wife", or "Stephanie, mother", and I'm struggling to figure out who I am outside of those roles.
Say something I'm giving up on you....
So I've been stuck in the same place all this time. I've tried therapy. I've been on meds. I've had a series of meaningless relationships... I've tried just about anything that I thought would make me feel better in the short term. One day, the answer came to me, and it should have been obvious all along- I need to work on me. I need to address the guilt, acknowledge the fact that odds are, no matter how I initially reacted, the end result would still be the same, start putting my life back together and start truly LIVING AGAIN.
And I...am feeling so small
It was over my head... I know nothing at all....
And I...will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love.... Just starting to crawl...
I've wasted so much time. So much of my life has been spent being sad, anxious, and angry. So much energy spent on these emotions instead of enjoying my family, focusing on the positives, and the beauty of life. One foot in front of the other. Tiny changes. I'm working on me. I deserve to feel better. My children deserve the amazing mother that I know I can be. My friends deserve the right to spend time with the real me, instead of the empty shell that I've become.
Say something I'm giving up on you...
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you...
I will always miss my husband. I will always miss the life we had together. It was by no means a perfect life, but it was ours. More importantly, I will always grieve the loss for my children. They've been robbed of the chance of growing up with a dad, and Jayden and Lia will only know their dad from the pictures and memories we share daily. I will always miss who I used to be and how life was, but I can no longer sit and dwell on things I cannot change. I can I longer live in the past.
And I....will swallow my pride...
You're the one that I love... And I'm saying goodbye...
I can't let the loss of his life be the end of my story. Although it is difficult to venture into the unknown, it's a path I must take in order to find myself. I have so many hopes and dreams, and maybe if I'm lucky, some will be come realities. One can only hope. Here's to new beginnings, remembering the past but no longer living in it, and finding peace and happiness within!
