I had a total thyroidectomy on 3/17/10.

The days that lead up to the procedure were stressful and full of panic for me.  We took the kids on what was supposed to be a mini vacation to Wisconsin Dells, for a little R&R before everything got a bit chaotic.  As far as I know (unless they have been eavesdropping), they don't really know the extent of what is going on.  (Hell, I don't either at this point..).  Anyhow, my stress, combined with a long drive, and their usual crabbiness amongst themselves made our fun trip not as fun as it should have been.  Thats not to say that I didn't enjoy it, but it had the potential to be so much better.  I was supposed to take a bunch of pictures and honestly, my mood was so blah.. the entire time.  I didn't even go on a single water slide, just followed Jayden around to wherever he felt like exploring.  And I love water slides, if that says anything..  we got a few shots, but hardly enough to account for a three day vacation.

The drive back to Michigan was long, especially through northern Wisconsin.  We passed miles and miles of what appeared to be abandoned train cars.  I meant to take down the name of the town so I could google it to see if there was any information- literally over 200 cars just sitting.  I was sidetracked however.  My mind was going in circles by that point.

We checked into our hotel and pretty much went straight to bed.  I had to be to the hospital the following morning @ 11:30 am.  I woke up early and I'm not going to lie, I was downright bitchy.  I was so afraid, of so many things. Mainly, my biggest fear of general anesthesia is not waking up.  I just had this impending feeling of doom, like this was going to be the last time I kissed my kids sort of feeling.  I was choked up all morning and snappy at the same time.  I bought a recordable book the day before, just in case my voice was altered or impaired during the surgery.  I know I'm a pessimest, but I wanted my kids to have something, even if it sounds a bit silly.  I also thought maybe it would help Jayden get through the first night we've ever been a part.  I was so emotional when recording that book.. I had to kick everyone out of the hotel room because I couldn't stop crying.  Everything changes once you have kids.  They are my everything, and I breathe because of them, and I couldn't help but imagine their life without me in it, and it was sad and scary.  I really need to work on being more optimistic.

The hospital was literally around the corner from our hotel.  I told Larry it looked like a shopping mall when we pulled it.  The lobby area was beautiful, rustic setting with a fireplace.  I found the check in area, and while holding Jayden I told the lady at the desk I was checking in.  I was a little taken aback when she looked at me and asked if I was in labor.

First and foremost, if a woman is in labor, she's usually beat you to the punch line on that one, and it's not a question that needs to be asked.  At least in my case, whenever I was in labor, I was very loud and clear about what was currently going on.  Secondly, who calmly holds thier one year old son and sits down at the desk in front of you, while digging through her purse for her medical cards and ID if she is in labor?!!?  I mean yea I know I was stress eating for two weeks prior, but I don't think I put on enough weight to look pregnant for CRYING OUT LOUD.

Once she finally got her end of things straightened out, I had to go to the lab and then to pre-op.  I was fortunate that they let my family hang out with me.  By the time I had to put on my gown and such I was balling my eyes out.  The kids and Larry hung out for a bit, and then when they started getting antsy, we took advantage of the free childcare program the hospital offered.  It allowed him to be by my side without interruption and we were able to speak more freely to the nurses and anesthesiologist about health history and things that the kids didn't necessarily know about or need to know about.  As usual, there were issues with getting an IV started on me (I have super tiny veins) and the anesthesiologist had to do it because she needed to use a smaller IV catheter.  She was such a nice lady, and did her best at trying to keep me calm.  Ultimately though my nerves got the best of me and I ended up getting sedated a bit before my procedure.  I know Larry went and got the kids and I kissed them all and told them I loved them but he said I was zoning out well before they wheeled me off.  All I remember after that is them pushing another full syringe of sedative into the IV and the oxygen mask, and then everything is sort of blurry from that point forward.

I remember hearing the anesthesiologist's voice in the recovery area asking how I felt and I remember saying I felt sick and her giving me Zofran.  I vaguely remember my kids and Larry coming to see me in my room that night after the surgery (which lasted about 4 hours), and Ashia saying that I looked dead.  I know I had my blood drawn a few times in between consciousness and around 11:30 that night I finally got out of bed to use the restroom and needed pain medication.  I didn't really come to though, until 5 am the following morning, and then I was super nauseous, most likely the result of a lot of pain medication on an extremely empty stomach.  Thankfully the nurses were able to give me Zofran which worked immediately.

At around 7:00 am my surgeon came in to check on me and removed the drain from my neck, which was probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever felt.  He told me one side of my thyroid resembled a cluster of grapes and he needed to literally peel the parathyroid gland(s?) out of it, and the other had a nodule the size of a golf ball.  He also told me that my calcium levels were dropping due to the shock of the surgery and we went over the medications I would be taking and my post operative discharge instructions.

I ordered a whole bunch of food for breakfast, even though my throat was extremely sore and it hurt to swallow, thinking that I would be able to get something down.  As soon as it arrived, another wave of nausea hit and all that I was able to accomplish was two bites of a banana and a bite of muffin before just hanging my head to the side. Damn Lortab.  I had to wait a little bit for my husband and kids to check out of the hotel room and I had the nurse check to see if I could get another dose of Zofran before I was actually discharged. Thankfully she was able to get it cleared, because we had a 3.5 hour drive ahead of us.

It felt like forever but I finally saw my husband and kids walking down the hall. I ended up having Larry send the kids back to the childcare while we got all of our paperwork in order and worked on getting my prescriptions filled.  That place was an absolute godsend because it kept them occupied while we needed to take care of important matters...

The drive home was uneventful and long.  I slept pretty much the rest of Friday once we got home and almost all of Saturday.  Saturday the low calcium levels really started to affect me.  My lips went numb many times, I had tingles in my arms and legs and my jaw would lock up if I tried to chew.  It was excruciating when that happened and I could feel the muscle spasms all the way in my ear drums.  I'm pretty sure I took the maximum recommended dosage for Tums that day, but it was all I could do to keep comfortable. My whole body felt like it was buzzing, but not in a good way. I just felt..weird.

Each day of my recovery, I've gotten progressively better.  I haven't taken any narcotics for pain since Friday afternoon on our drive home.  I've just been taken extra strength tylenol, about once every 12 hours.  The pain isn't bad, more annoying than anything.  I've not really kept track at how much calcium I've had to take the past few days, but I know that each day it seems to be less and less and I'm not nearly as symptomatic as I was the first two days.  I'm hoping this means my parathyroid glands are starting to function normally on their own.  Overall, i feel as 'ok' as I can, I suppose.  I still have the steritape over the incision, but I can tell my neck is bruised underneath.  The incision itself is about 4" long right at the base of my neck. I'm pretty freaked out to see what it looks like without the tape covering it, honestly...

Tomorrow is the moment of truth.  We have to go back to the ENT office for my post operative appointment to have the steritape removed and to go over the pathology report.  I'm nervous.  I kept telling myself all week that I was prepared for this, we already have an idea of how this is going to go, but frankly I'm not.

I'm scared.

I expect it to be cancer.  Tomorrow is just a formality, a confirmation of what we already know, if you will.  I'm hoping that I'm wrong, but realistically? The biopsy results were as clear as they could be without the thyroid sitting directly under the pathologist's microscope.  I'm hoping that although it is the "big c", that we receive some positive news, like it hasn't spread to my lymph nodes, and that their initial diagnosis of papillary thyroid cancer is correct, because honestly, it's the best case scenario.

I've armed myself with information, so I kind of know what to expect tomorrow.  I feel that knowledge is power.  Some people have told me not to look into all of this stuff, just listen to the doctors, but I can't. I have to know, so I can prepare myself. I don't like being blindsided.  I am as prepared as I can possibly be for my appointment tomorrow, and I just want to get it over with.  I need to know where I stand.

But honestly? I still haven't caught my breath yet, since the wind was knocked out of me a few weeks back.  I'm a little tired of hearing that this is "the best kind of cancer" to have.  It's still cancer.  Cancer may be a word, not necessarily a sentence, but it is still a very scary word to deal with, especially when you have four kids at home who rely on their mom to be well enough to take care of them.

I'm scared, and I can't sleep because I have too much on my mind.  I've found some great resources on the web and I just want to keep reading and reading and part of me thinks that maybe by doing so, it will lessen the blow of the news, or maybe I can displace myself, just for a little while, and pretend this is happening to someone else, and not me.