So it's been a few days.  I've been trying to process all of this and in a very short amount of time.

I went to see my regular PCP on Thursday and we discussed a little more in depth my probable treatment.  My medical chart now officially says I have thyroid cancer, although it won't be formally diagnosed until after the pathologist has a chunk of my thyroid in front of him or her under the microscope.  It's a lot to take in and I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check but so far, I'm failing pretty miserably.

I found out from my doctor that RAI treatment is pretty much standard after a thyroid cancer diagnosis.  This was something I hadn't really looked into before, and only briefly discussed with my endocrinologist after the biopsy was performed and he was urging me to just have my thyroid removed regardless of the results.  I didn't ask enough questions (because at the time, I wasn't concerned at all that this could have turned cancerous, as I had a benign biopsy three years ago...), and I greatly misunderstood what this meant for my nursing relationship with my son.

If I have to have the RAI treatment, I need to stop nursing immediately.  I thought I could simply take a break, pump and dump and continue on.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  From what I have read, you need to discontinue nursing 6-8 weeks prior to the treatment, and because you are pretty much a glow stick for awhile, you cannot continue to nurse as the radioactive iodine remains in your system for several months.

It may sound silly, considering everything else, that I am devastated by this. I spent all of Thursday night crying over this.  I am just so sad, for my son, for myself, that there is this strong possibility that we will be weaning suddenly in the next week or so.  My heart just aches, because I'm not prepared mentally or emotionally to give this up, and Jayden is very much a comfort nurser and in no way is he ready to wean.  I never knew I would feel this strongly about breastfeeding, to be completely honest.  I am trying to cherish each nursing session we have now, because I know in my gut that it's most likely coming to an end sooner than I had anticipated.

I have a lot to do today.  I'm off work now, and tomorrow we leave for Wisconsin for 3 nights, before heading to Ishpeming, where my surgery is taking place.  I'm caught in between wanting to hurry up and get this all over and done with, to wishing time would just stand still so things can remain as they are for awhile longer.

I'm still holding out hope that maybe the pathology report from the biopsy was wrong, but if I listen to my gut, I'm pretty sure the next pathology report will be a confirmation.